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Posts Tagged ‘song’

The other night I sit and listened to tales of abuse beyond description. I didn’t think before I shared a dark chapter of my past it just sort of slipped out. I don’t think I ever talked about it in detail except to my wife. I have stirred around the idea of writing about it for a couple of days now and here it goes.

I must have been about thirteen years old standing in front of the bathroom mirror staring myself down calling myself names like worthless and piece of *&^%. Then my eyes fell on Dad’s razor with no hesitation, out came the blade and I was making tiny cuts just below my eyes until my face was dripping red. I stared at my self as to say there you go, that is what you deserve. I began to cry and I watched the tears mingle with the blood. Soon the bleeding stopped and I felt ashamed but relieved at the same time. Just a dab of Mom’s make-up hid it just fine and this would be repeated for years. I kept it secret and no one ever knew or at least no one ever said any thing. So why would I do such a thing? Funny I never asked myself that question until I heard someone telling how they did the same thing. What was it, I was doing?

I found this definition on this site : http://www.focusas.com/SelfInjury.html

What is self-injury?

It’s called many things — self-inflicted violence, self-injury, self-harm, parasuicide, delicate cutting, self-abuse, self-mutilation (this last particularly seems to annoy people who self-injure).

Broadly speaking, self-injury is the act of attempting to alter a mood state by inflicting physical harm serious enough to cause tissue damage to one’s body.

 

Why Do Teens Self-Injure?

Teens who have difficulty talking about their feelings may show their emotional tension, physical discomfort, pain and low self-esteem with self-injurious behaviors.  Although they may feel like the “steam” in the “pressure cooker” has been released following the act of hurting themselves, teenagers may also feel hurt, anger, fear and hate.

 

Most teens who self-injure go to great lengths to hide their wounds and scars.  Many consider their self-harm to be a deeply shameful secret and dread the consequences of discovery.

WHY

It was Not because of my parents, they were great. It was not because of any known traumatic event. The truth began to unwind several years ago. I was the typical Preachers Kid “PK”, rebellious, sneaky, etc etc.

It was self hatred, and it started because I felt dirty. This is my earliest memory. I am about 4 years old and I am in a wading pool with sexual feeling, I do not understand them but feel dirty. I hid it inside not talking to anyone about it. My Mom and Dad were perfect as far as I could tell, and I was not, so for years I was convinced I was adopted. I would go through pictures and books looking for the papers to prove it. At one time I shifted that to my sister Ginger and told Her that She was adopted. I wasn’t trying to be mean its just that misery loves company. When we were young Dad was with us playing all the time, it seemed even if I was adopted they Loved me so that just went away. The feeling of shame did not, with sexual thoughts all the time it seemed I was just bad seed. After I was married I stopped cutting and started hitting myself in the face or sometime the wall I needed to see blood then I would be ok.

Through a very dramatic salvation experience the day our daughter Angela was born I was delivered of all my vices, drugs, alcohol, tobacco, and a general wildness. I was 21 years old and I never suffered again from shame, guilt, or condemnation. Now it was pride, that was a new one and that would my issue from then until now. But God just wiped away the junk, gone, history.

Why am I writing about it, not because it is therapeutic but I want to start some dialog. After talking to my parents recently telling them about this experience, they told me about the same time in question they found me walking in the back yard naked. That brought back a memory of an older girl taking me behind an old building and I was confused about what was happening. I don’t remember any abuse though safe to say that could have happened considering the weight I carried for years.

The bottom line, do not assume your children are safe, if something feels wrong ask questions. I was delivered from my pain and if you have pain, guilt and shame from something similar Jesus is the answer. He felt your pain and If you give it to Him, He will cover you with His love. You don’t need years of therapy just a personal encounter with God’s only Son. Isaiah prophesied about it read below. He suffered yet with out sin and that gives Him the right to carry our’s away.

Isaiah 53 NKJ  Who has believed our report? And to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed? 2 For He shall grow up before Him as a tender plant, And as a root out of dry ground. He has no form or comeliness; And when we see Him, There is no beauty that we should desire Him. 3 He is despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. 4 Surely He has borne our griefs And carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken, Smitten by God, and afflicted. 5 But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed. 6 All we like sheep have gone astray; We have turned, every one, to his own way; And the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all. 7 He was oppressed and He was afflicted, Yet He opened not His mouth; He was led as a lamb to the slaughter, And as a sheep before its shearers is silent, So He opened not His mouth. 8 He was taken from prison and from judgment, And who will declare His generation? For He was cut off from the land of the living; For the transgressions of My people He was stricken. 9 And they made His grave with the wicked– But with the rich at His death, Because He had done no violence, Nor was any deceit in His mouth. 10 Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise Him; He has put Him to grief. When You make His soul an offering for sin, He shall see His seed, He shall prolong His days, And the pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in His hand. 11 He shall see the labor of His soul, and be satisfied. By His knowledge My righteous Servant shall justify many, For He shall bear their iniquities. 12 Therefore I will divide Him a portion with the great, And He shall divide the spoil with the strong, Because He poured out His soul unto death, And He was numbered with the transgressors, And He bore the sin of many, And made intercession for the transgressors.

Listen to this song below by Lisa Bevill – No Condemnation ,      as you listen give your pain to Jesus

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I have a 25 year history in the same class  “He must increase, but I must decrease 101” one day I will graduate on to another class but for now I have learned to LOVE IT.

First of all John the baptist had His own little ministry and gaining popularity. In today’s world He would have been on Elijaha’s list selling books and doing conferences, proclaiming what was about to break in on the world. Then the break in happened. Jesus shows up and now people are leaving John, and following Jesus and if that is not enough some of the onlookers are now talking about it. Hey John that guy that every one is starting to follow, didn’t He get His start with you? Now He’s running off doing His own thing, hasn’t He learned to submit to authority. Ok of course I am playing, but John answers correctly by telling them I told you I was not the Christ I am just a friend of the bridegroom. It is verse 30 that captures my heart.  He must increase, but I must decrease.

John 3:22-36 22 After these things came Jesus and his disciples into the land of Judaea; and there he tarried with them, and baptized. 23 And John also was baptizing in Aenon near to Salim, because there was much water there: and they came, and were baptized. 24 For John was not yet cast into prison. 25 Then there arose a question between some of John’s disciples and the Jews about purifying. 26 And they came unto John, and said unto him, Rabbi, he that was with thee beyond Jordan, to whom thou barest witness, behold, the same baptizeth, and all men come to him. 27 John answered and said, A man can receive nothing, except it be given him from heaven. 28 Ye yourselves bear me witness, that I said, I am not the Christ, but that I am sent before him. 29 He that hath the bride is the bridegroom: but the friend of the bridegroom, which standeth and heareth him, rejoiceth greatly because of the bridegroom’s voice: this my joy therefore is fulfilled. 30 He must increase, but I must decrease. 31 He that cometh from above is above all: he that is of the earth is earthly, and speaketh of the earth: he that cometh from heaven is above all. 32 And what he hath seen and heard, that he testifieth; and no man receiveth his testimony. 33 He that hath received his testimony hath set to his seal that God is true. 34 For he whom God hath sent speaketh the words of God: for God giveth not the Spirit by measure unto him. 35 The Father loveth the Son, and hath given all things into his hand. 36 He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him.

He must INCREASE. I used to put the cart before the horse, but I had a hard time moving forward, and the horse didn’t care for it either. Ok, I crucified the flesh, fasted and prayed used my German work ethic to work from a point of being hidden. I seemed to have a harder time with my flesh than before ,and no closer to Jesus. The more I tried, the uglier I became on the inside. Then one day I was reading the verse and noticed that the INCREASE of JESUS comes before the decrease of John and in my case ME.   

I began to ask the Lord how do you INCREASE IN ME? The answer !  The Beauty of Christ

Ephesians 3:14-21 14 For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 15 Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, 16 That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man; 17 That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; 19 And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God. 20 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, 21 Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.

I can not prove to you on the outside what has happened to me on the inside, but as I have been praying this prayer that Paul prayed it has actually happened. The fullness of God has slowly been increasing, pushing out the junk inside of me. I have learned to sit and wait.

NKJ 2 Cor 3 1 Do we begin again to commend ourselves? Or do we need, as some others, epistles of commendation to you or letters of commendation from you? 2 You are our epistle written in our hearts, known and read by all men; 3 clearly you are an epistle of Christ, ministered by us, written not with ink but by the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of flesh, that is, of the heart. 4 And we have such trust through Christ toward God. 5 Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God, 6 who also made us sufficient as ministers of the new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit;* for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. 7 But if the ministry of death, written and engraved on stones, was glorious, so that the children of Israel could not look steadily at the face of Moses because of the glory of his countenance, which glory was passing away, 8 how will the ministry of the Spirit not be more glorious? 9 For if the ministry of condemnation had glory, the ministry of righteousness exceeds much more in glory. 10 For even what was made glorious had no glory in this respect, because of the glory that excels. 11 For if what is passing away was glorious, what remains is much more glorious. 12 Therefore, since we have such hope, we use great boldness of speech– 13 unlike Moses, who put a veil over his face so that the children of Israel could not look steadily at the end of what was passing away. 14 But their minds were blinded. For until this day the same veil remains unlifted in the reading of the Old Testament, because the veil is taken away in Christ. 15 But even to this day, when Moses is read, a veil lies on their heart. 16 Nevertheless when one turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17 Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. 18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.

 The Lord loves to use weak and broken people, who get their eyes off of their brokeness and on to Jesus Christ. As we behold His Glory we are transformed from glory to glory by the sprit of the Lord.

 I have traded in my Martha mantle for the Best seat in the House at the feet of Jesus. I am not just a season ticket holder and I can not give up this seat. It was built for Me and from here I have found the door where Jesus leads me even in the Nations and as my new favorite song by Brian and Jenn Johnson goes.

Where You go I go
What You say I say
And what You pray I pray
And what You pray I pray
Where You go I go
What You say I say
And what You pray I pray
And what You pray I pray

Where You go I go
What You say I say God
And what You pray I pray

Cause Jesus only did what He saw You do
And He would only say what He heard You speak
And He would only move when He felt You lead
Following Your heart following Your spirit

So How could I expect to walk without You
When every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I will not begin to live without You
For You alone are worthy and You are always good

Where You go I go
What You say I say God
And what You pray I pray
And what You pray I pray

Where You go I go
What You say I say God
And what You pray I pray
And what You pray I pray

So How could I expect to walk without You
When every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I will not begin to live without You
For You alone are worthy and You are always good
You are always good

La, la, la, la
Oh, the beauty of Your name will be seen upon my face, Oh, God
La la la la
Oh, the glory of Your name will be seen upon our face, Oh, God

Though the world sees and soon forgets
We will not forget who You are and what You’ve done for us
And what You’ve done for us
And Though the world sees and soon forgets
We will not forget what You’ve done for us

La la la la
La la la

Where You go I go
What You say I say God
And what You pray I pray
And what You pray I pray

Where You go I go
What You say I say God
And what You pray I pray
And what You pray I pray

Where You go I go
What You say I say God
And what You pray I pray
And what You pray I pray

I will follow You yeah,
In this desert life, I will follow You
Whatever comes my way
Through every situation, I will follow You
To the unknown, to the unsaved
Give me a heart of no compromise

Listen to the song below

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